So a student submitted a help card in class and wanted it to be a private discussion. However, this advice is really good for me to reflect on. The truth is, I can never stop taking my own advice. So here it is.
Congratulations on the possibility of marriage on the horizon!
That's fantastic, that you and your girlfriend will be taking marital classes. I'm honored that you would reach out to me for advice because I absolutely love being married and having children. I'm not implying that you should have children, but I can definitely give advice for success.
When Carrie and I started dating, she asked me what she should know about me. I immediately said that even though I do my best to listen, I will most likely forget a lot of what is said.
So being graceful with each other, understanding that these things you don't mean to do might happen is really important.
That's what they mean by open communication. Communication communication communication. It never ends.
For me, it was coming from a family that never communicated, by which I mean expressing the needs people have with other people being open to fulfilling them.
There are also healthy ways to help with conflict, as conflict is unavoidable. We as a culture aren't taught how to remain calm, discuss things out of "I feel" language.
Here is what Google AI said when I asked (see below)
Also, to make sure that you have strong connections with other couples and friends. When I dated someone unhealthy for me, I lost many of my friends. It's important to have those connections so that even the emotional work doesn't have to be burdened to one person.
I like what Carrie says, that she and her female friends will sometimes complain about their husbands on the light side, but also like to brag about us. I mean really, there are times where I will forget to cook a vegetable as part of a dinner because Carrie is often doing most of the cooking.
Maybe that's also another good thing to think about, to really establish who will be solar responsible for what as well as what is co-equally responsible. For example, it is equally my responsibility to have a clean house if I come in from work and see that it is trashed. Having five kids, the house is always trashed. Hahaha
Even though I pay all of the bills because I love doing that, keeping track of the money coming in and how it will be distributed, Carrie has full access to what I'm doing. She has full access to look at the accounts and I also share with her my spreadsheet of what came in, what the expenses were, and what spending we have for the rest of the month.
I guess like anything, balance work with home life, balance self-care time with partner time with friend time. I know that all I ever wanted to do was be with Carrie when we were dating, but I'm also glad that we did hang out with our friends individually. Sometimes we hosted a group at our apartment back then.
Anyway, thank you for asking again. I'm guessing I have more tips, but I'll close here as I've written an entire essay!
Prof D
To have open communication and manage conflict with a partner, focus on actively listening, using "I" statements to express your feelings, avoiding blame, choosing a calm moment to discuss issues, practicing empathy, and being open to compromise, while ensuring you both feel heard and respected throughout the conversation.
